Of all the blogs I've had (and for those who know me, you know there have been a few), I have never reached 200 posts before. So it seemed only fitting that I should finally get around to writing the actual birth story. It's perfect timing really - Chris is out of town for the weekend, Luka's asleep, and I have red wine and chocolate.
For those who have followed the tale thus far, you can see Part I: The frantic departure from Dili, followed by Part II: The panicked check-in to Royal Darwin Hospital, and falling asleep in each others arms on the floor of a birthing room in the public hospital in the Northern Territory...
As explained in Part II, the nurses came into the room every 2 hours to check my vitals throughout the night, which was fine since I was awake busy praying anyway. I listened to Chris gently snoring as tears continued to soak my pillow. Finally at 0700 on the 22nd, with Chris still asleep, I leaned over to get my phone so that I could start making a list of things we would need to get for our stay in Darwin. I figured worst case scenario, I am stuck in Darwin for a few weeks (and yes, more than likely not able to fly to Cape Town to have the baby), but that we would be holed up in a hotel room, in which case we are going to need a few basics. You may recall that in my infinite wisdom I managed to pack my iPod, camera, phone (no charger), five books on natural child birth and running gear for Chris. Note, no mention of pajamas, chargers, clothes, or other useful things...so, my list went something like this: "Aus sim card, phone charger, camera charger, pajamas, snacks...." and then it happened...
...amazingly, I actually heard my waters broke before I felt the warm gush of fluid soak the bed below me. Here I was, phone still in hand, now lying in a pool of liquid, on the floor of a hospital room, with Chris sound asleep next to me. Trying to explain the emotions when your waters break 10 weeks early, is not something I am able to do, all I knew was that we were likely having this baby today, whatever that meant.
Not knowing quite how to wake Chris without completely freaking him out - I turned to him and gently tapped him on the shoulder saying 'sweetie, I think you're going to have to ring the nurse, my waters just broke' - well, you've never seen a former prop go from horizontal to vertical in such a short time. When he rang the button, it was only a few seconds before someone came charging through the door. I had not seen her before, but took an instant liking to her when the sixty-odd something midwife crouched down beside me on the bed, asked me what happened, and then reassuringly told me "my name is Dee, I'm the midwife on call and I'll take care of you". I remember clutching her hand so firmly and looking into her eyes begging her to let nature run its course as long as it remains safe for the baby. She assured me she would discuss this with the doctor and that she would do everything she could.
Still lying on the floor, still in Chris' boxers (he'd managed to pull a pair of shorts on at this point), I laid there while they took my vitals and what felt like loads of people started pouring in, doctors, midwives, even a social worker to help us find a place to live. I declined the internal examination, my reasoning being that my water had just spectacularly broke, I did not feel the need for anyone to check whether this baby was in fact coming, we knew it was coming, so just let it be.
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| Attached to the monitor shortly after my waters broke** |
After a while, I got up, and started moving around. Dee was in and out of the room, as was the same doctor that saw me the night before. It was on her second visit to the room when she once again offered me pain relief (mind you this was before I even had any pain), that Chris politely told her that if she offered me any more pain relief after we told her twice already that I didn't want any, he'd ask her to leave. By this point I had changed into a dry pair of underwear and some more of Chris' boxers and was pacing the room eating the oatmeal breakfast they brought me in a plastic cup. Chris was on the phone to my dad (the parent with the most favorable time zone at the time), who told us months later that he instinctively knew something was up when he took the call. While I finished breakfast doctors came and went to take blood and the social worker kept popping in to ask questions. At some point it felt like we were in Central Park Station, when Chris finally took a piece of paper and wrote a sign for the door that said "We are a Hypnobirthing couple, please respect our privacy and knock, and wait for acknowledgment before entering" kicked everybody out of the room, and shut the door. Ah, peace and quiet at last.
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| On my iPod, pre-shower |
At around 10h30 my 'contractions' finally started in earnest, though quite honestly, it was not unbearable. Dee had me on the bed briefly to take some more vitals, at which time we discussed the fact that she got clearance from the doctors that I could do the birth naturally, provided I agree to being attached to the ECG (the monitor that requires the two big belts around the belly to monitor the baby's vitals), and that I could do anything during labor, but I had to have the baby on the bed to be close to oxygen and everything else. I agreed, and she helped us kick everyone out of the room from where it was just Chris, myself and her sitting in the corner.
To get me in the 'mood', Chris popped my iPod out of the bag and instructed me to listen to my 'Rainbow Relaxation' track of my HypnoBirthing training. After that I immediately switched it to the Birth Affirmations which I literally put on repeat and listened to constantly for the remainder of my birth. So at 10h30 when the contractions got going, I planted myself on a yoga ball with my elbows and arms on the bed in front of me, and mostly lying with my head in my arms, gently swaying and rocking from side to side while hearing "...I look forward to a comfortable birth, my baby and my body knows what to do...". In between 'surges' as we call them in HypnoBirthing, I was chatting to Chris, eating toast with Marmite and drinking tea. Around 12h00 I said I wanted to take a shower so Chris followed me into the shower where I sat on the ball with him hosing my back down as a worked my way through the surges. We must have spent about an hour in the shower (or it felt like it). By this point I didn't even bother to put any clothes back on, as I walked back to the room and planted myself back on the ball, gently swaying. A doctor came in to take some blood (must have been in training as he did an awful job of finding a vein), and once the new head doctor came in. I took one look at this unfortunate mix between Elmer Fudd and William H Macy and instinctively knew that we were not going to get along. I am sure he is an excellent doctor, and I am sure that I would be eternally grateful for his brilliance if required during the delivery - but at that time, he was just trying to interfere with my birth. He made me nervous, edgy and uncomfortable with his questions, attitude and constant reference to pain relief. I tried to ignore him while listening to my birthing affirmations (need I remind you, I was in fact in labor at the time and if you've ever been, you will know that it is a rather otherworldly experience, and not one you want to snap out of because a man needs to ask you some questions). God bless Chris, who finally stepped up and said that if he had any more questions, he needed to address them to him, and leave me in peace. I think he didn't like that very much and marched off.
Anyway, my labor progressed amazingly well. It was so peaceful in the room, just myself (by now buck-ass naked), Chris (by now only in cargo shorts, no shoes, no shirt) and Dee sitting in the corner (reading our HypnoBirthing book mind you) in Bermuda shorts, sneakers and a golf shirt. From time to time she would check my vitals and the baby's vitals, I would ask her how we were doing, and she would say just great. The surges came and went, at which time I would go deep into myself, rocking on the ball, until they subsided - then have another bite to eat, and chat with Chris. At some point I did get on the bed to rest, and managed to doze off between surges. I never cried, screamed or doubled over in agony, it was truly a somewhat out-of-body peaceful experience. With my iPod permanently attached to my head (except for the shower), I walked around, and managed to go to the bathroom a number of times (poor Chris had to come with me because I flat-out refused not to have him with me at all times).
And so it was that I was actually sitting on the loo for the longest time (those who have done it will tell you it is very comfy while in labor) when all of a sudden, around 14h30, I transitioned into an incredible place...it is at this point that I looked at Chris, sitting in front of me on the floor, and for a brief second thought, oh my god, I can't do this.... and then, it was like the blood drained out of my entire body, from the top, down to the bottom - and then I felt it coming. Chris (not wanting to fish a baby out of the toilet) yelled for the midwife to come. The young midwife standing in for Dee who had gone to tea, came in and calmly said 'whoops, yes, definitely time to get you off the toilet and onto the bed'. Amazingly I was able to stand up by myself, walk into the room adjacent, and climb onto the bed myself, even discussing the most ideal position with the midwife. Dee arrived back and said that while she was supposed to go off at 15h00, she planned on staying because she was not missing this birth (I was ever so grateful). She said at this point I had to do a vaginal exam to make sure that I was in fact 10cm dilated before we could proceed. I was.
Then logic kicked in. I instinctively got onto all fours and asked them to lift up the backrest of the bed so that I could be on my knees and rest my elbows on the backrest of the bed. As the surges started gripping my body, Chris was to my left encouraging me every single second of the way, and Dee was on my right, monitoring me and the baby, the other midwife also stayed because regulations called for two to be present. To try and explain the place you go to when in labor is simply not possible. What I remember is a clarity of mind that I have never experienced before. If I was a bit doozy and foggy during the first stage, the second stage rids you of any and all fog, and delivers *sic* you into the clearest, most intense, most indescribable place I have ever been. I remember exactly what I said to Chris and what he said to me. I remember the midwife's actions as she checked our vitals. I remember how I breathed when the surges gripped my body, and how I relaxed and smiled at Chris in between with my head on my arms on the back of the bed...
At some point, I sensed a presence in the room and later found out that the team of pediatricians, NICU nurses and doctors required to attend a premature birth were in fact in the room, but neatly tucked behind a curtain where they could not see me, and I could not see them. So instead, I was able to peacefully, naturally, and amazingly, let the birth progress. I recall vividly asking Dee between two of my surges whether she thought I was doing alright, or whether I should flip over into a 'squatting' position - she said that I was doing amazing and everything was progressing. She allowed me to 'breathe' through the surges and I could feel the baby descend down the birth canal.
The turning point of my life (note, not my birth) came when she took out a small handheld mirror to have a look and asked me if I wanted to see my baby's head crown - she stuck the mirror between my legs, and at that moment I looked up to see Chris' face as he saw the first glimpse of his baby...and his eyes welled up with tears. As if I wasn't high enough on hormones and endorphins already! Dee asked me whether I wanted to touch it, which at first I was reluctant to do because of some fear of infection - but after she assured me that was fine - I did, I felt him for the first time, and emotions just drained out of me. At this point Dee said that while I was doing really well and the baby was fine, but that he has been in the birth canal for some time now, and that on this last surge, she wanted me to give just one good push to get him out and make sure he does not stay in any longer. So with one rather vocal finale he slipped right out and plopped down on the bed between my legs with a good cry, and we learned for the first time that we had just had a son.
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Chris proudly doing what he said
he never would! |
In a split second Dee handed him to me between my legs and I cradled this tiniest of miracles against my chest ever so briefly before the nurses and doctors appeared to take charge of my baby for the first time in what seemed an eternity. They unceremoniously cut the cord and whisked him off to the corner for his Apgar and other checkups, Chris close on their heels. Right before they whisked him out of the room to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), Chris begged them to bring him to me for one more second to hold. Wrapped in the requisite plastic wrap and with a little cap on his bruised head to preserve his body head, it was incredibly surreal and almost unbelievable that this morning, I was still praying to keep him in, not even knowing who he was, and here we were - parents.
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Thanks to Chris' insistance, I get one more cuddle before
Luka is whisked away to the NICU. I cannot believe how
little he is, and that he is here at all.... |
Chris stood rather confused in the doorway for a brief moment, looking at them whisk him off across the hall, then back at me - before I told him "I'm fine! Go to him!" And just like that, it was over, and yet, it had only begun. Here I was, sitting up in bed, I had just had a baby, but I might as well have just woken up from bad dream. My belly was gone, there was a bit of bleeding, but not too much. Dee and the other midwife flanked me as we waited for the third stage to be delivered, and I just looked up and said, I need a chocolate.
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With Dee shortly after the birth, in high spirits (hmmm,
hormones....) |
After they were confident that I had delivered all that needed to come out, they asked me to stay in the room for the next thirty minutes to make sure there was no hemorrhaging before I could go to the baby. Chris came back from the nursery and assured me that our baby was doing really well, and did not require any oxygen, but that he was a little bruised from the birth. At this point, we realized that we had never actually agreed on a name for a boy. We've had a girl's name picked out for years (because I was always so convinced I would have a girl), but what on earth are we going to call this little boy. After much back and forth on family names we had been playing around with, I suggested a name that recently came to me, it had no meaning to either of us, only that it seemed to be a good 'strong' name, and all of a sudden we knew it had to be Luka.
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Our little fighter bravely opening his eyes after being
placed in the incubator... |
I got up, had a long, hot shower, then just about inhaled a shepherd’s pie for dinner, wolfed down the entire chocolate without leaving any for Chris while he was on the phone, talked to my parents, and then was given the green light to go to the nursery to see Luka. I had apparently not compensated for what my body had just been through, because when I jumped up from the floor where we had been eating, the blood suddenly rushed to, and then from, my head and I literally hit the deck. Fortunately for me, Chris noticed something was amiss and was able to catch me to break my fall, but he did not appreciate the terrifying scare I gave him as he shouted for help.
Turns out I just had to get up a bit slower next time, and we wandered over to the nursery where I came face to face with our reality for the next six+ weeks…
And so the legend began….
** Note, some of the photos have previously been posted.
