Where's Luka?

Of all the challenges that come with having a baby this early, and trust me, there are many, there is nothing that compares to leaving a newborn behind in hospital day after day.  There are the logistics like emergency visas and last minute plane tickets; overpriced and underwhelming housing in an unfamiliar city; broken plans of ideal births, peaceful maternity leaves and no hospital stays; to the mayhem caused to work, financial and personal life not yet properly prepared for the arrival. Yet, neither these, nor even the emotional baggage of self-resentment and blame while trying to find the 'reason' why this happened, and whatever I did 'wrong', trumps the feeling when we say goodbye at the end of every long day that we spend with him. At the end of his early evening feed, we change him, swaddle him tightly, check his temperature one more time before leaning over him with our hands on his little body to say his evening prayer, and kiss him good night before walking out of the nursery and down the elevator to a rental car in a strange city, to a temporary residence where it is, once again, just the two of us.  No more pregnancy to discuss and research, no belly to measure and care for - but no baby either.

I have come to believe that well wishers who say 'enjoy your rest while you can' and, 'soon enough your lives will never be the same again' have obviously never had to leave their newborn in hospital for an extended period of time.

It is the immensely wanting sensation that wakes me at night looking for Luka, sometimes quietly, while at times audibly and physically.  In the last two weeks I wake often from intensely vivid dreams only to find myself either standing, kneeling or sitting up - asking Chris in panic 'where's Luka??'  Sure that he was asleep at the foot of the bed, now nowhere to be found.

Make no mistake, I am grateful and humbled by the amazing progress this little being is making, and incredibly thankful that we are not in the NICU, or suffering from a host of possible ailments that would have called for more intense medical interventions.  But having a child in hospital right after birth, instead of at home bonding and just being with his family, and integrating into the daily life of his family, is an emotionally taxing experience.  I find myself buying him 'tiny prem' clothes I think might almost fit, just so that I can take it home to lovingly wash with special baby laundry soap, and carefully hang the tiny white t-shirts and fuzzy onesies next to his dad's XL t-shirts in the sun to feel like I am extending my care for him when I am at home away from him.  I diligently pump hundreds of milliliters of breast milk every 3-4 hours, even through the night, and carefully label them for the hospital freezer for fear of losing my supply for when he is strong enough to feed from me.

Seeing new preemie parents join our ranks in the Nursery, many with the notable 'deer-in-the-headlights' look we had for the first two days, we feel like we have been here for months - and we commiserate with those who have been here for months, for we know we are lucky.  Nevertheless, today is Day 18, and that is eighteen non-stop days of learning how to nurse, care for, and patiently develop our little angel, without a single day or even shift off.  Our calculations estimate another four weeks or so to go, and then possibly some further follow-up time in Darwin before we get to take Luka home where he belongs.

Until then, we keep praying for his continued growth and development, and we thank each and every one who continue to pray, send love, phone, email, mail and just think of us around the world.  May every parent with a sick child find the love and support that we have enjoyed from you all.

God bless.

Our little family.